Addicted to hockey?

A few years back, good ole boy Jeff Foxworthy struck it rich by poking fun at his own kind with his now-famous "You might be a redneck if . . ." skit. Now, the way I figure, if some geeky, chicken-gizzard hillbilly twang angel can hit the big time, why can't I?

I know I'm fat, but I'm not geeky. I can't stand chicken gizzards, either. I may have been raised in the sticks, but I've spent far too much time in the big city. I love my drawl and, Lord knows, I'm far from an angel.

That's why, as I continue to count down the hours to when the hockey season is finally upon us, I'm offering to you, my dear friends who share this beautiful affliction, a handful of ways to know that you, too, just might be obsessed with hockey.

So, here it goes: You might be addicted to hockey, if:

~ You know the words to OLN's (soon to be known as Versus) "We Believe in Hockey" commercial.

~ You consider naming your first-born son Patrick Roy, Robert Orr or Daniel Gare (fill in your last name here).

~ More than five vacation and personal days are used to attend training camp or open practices.

~ You have more hockey sweaters in your closet, in alphabetical order, than you do button-down dress shirts.

~ You would recognize the seventh defenseman for not only the New York Islanders, but the backup goalie for the Bossier-Shreveport Mudbugs as well if you saw either of them walking down a street.

~ You rent a pickup, drive 120 miles round-trip and spend $150 for two well-used, but lighted display cases so you can show off less than 10 percent of your 1000-plus autographed puck collection.

~ You're willing to change your days off from work to accommodate your season-ticket package.

~ You buy anything from the Springfield Falcons.

~ You stay up till the wee hours of the morning (defined as any time after 3:01 a.m.) writing a dumbass hockey-related list like this.

~ You give the Ottawa Sun's rumor-monger Bruce Garrioch the benefit of a doubt just so you can check out the paper's SUNshine Girls.

~ You challenge a Georgia Bulldogs football fan to a little one-on-one game of shinny at the nearest rink because the idiot doesn't believe hockey is the world's greatest sport.

~ And, finally, or at least for now (I'm sure I'll think of more), if you fantasize about your wife/girlfriend wearing nothing more than a hockey garter and a pair of Bauer Supreme One90s, you just might be addicted to hockey.



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